I do not miss the innocence I carried around in my mind, and the lack of experience because I wouldn’t try it out, or being called naïve simply because I didn’t understand the pure bliss; hitting like an electric voltage being surged up one’s body, that explodes from unending tingles; a result of satisfaction of an achievement. Admitting this on a normal day would have been done under the influence of some flavored sniff, and probably a heavily intoxicated brain, because it’s pretty scary and uncouth for a woman to go outside the norm and try new things. It makes her look promiscuous, scandalous, corrupt. But I would be damned if I missed the day I lost my virginity.
I thought being a girl was hard, but damn, being a woman isn’t easy. Bills pile, responsibilities increase, vacations you can’t afford become a necessity to ease the ache that has piled on your back from toiling hard and to ease the pain of the constant punches on the already broken heart. And the only choice you have, whether by the easy way or the hard way.
Once upon a time, I was confined in a shell, where I stared from the windows and admired goodies life had to offer. I didn’t know that it was necessary to break at a point and aim for the sky, but once I broke that hymen, got used to the new rhythm and understood the true meaning of “la vie Est belle,” I would definitely be damned if I went back into my sad cocoon where I had no say and let someone else live my life.
I do not miss the longing that came with wishing for the best. Diamonds, I always wanted to be a diamond, have diamonds, clothe myself in fine linen and drink old wine. My desires however, were a mere wish. Girls like me do not get to realize dreams like those. The least my type can do is buy a gold coated ring with a sparkly, imbalanced stone at its center, wear fake designs and drink cheap wine while our mirrors make it because they took a leap and tangled in the sheets with the wrong team.
I stopped longing for diamonds and started treating myself like a gem when I realized who my mother was and what she thought of me. What you think of yourself, is what you often end up being. To be the best you need believe you are the best. Mama told me to do my best at all times, as long as at no point would it compromise my integrity. Compromising my integrity would get me where I would want to be a lot faster, but the satisfaction of a job well done is never achieve by a quickie. A quickie settles a fix. A well-executed full blown experience, now that, that is life.
I was once afraid of those who wanted to silence me because I challenged the status quo where adults were not meant to break free and pursue their desires; especially if it would challenge the norm, but now I only speak my truth and hope that out there is a raging soul out there that seeks a way that will be more than just a fix for a second. Writing this, a feeling of nostalgia hits me because am forced to compare the timid soul I once knew, who was too scared to take the leap of faith because she was scared the society would call her and the now fierce woman who believes she can do it all as long as she puts her heart and mind into achieving it. You do know this is not about the sex though, right?
I do not miss the scare that came with the thought of carrying my pregnancy to full term. 9 months with your tummy stretching and the thought of the actual pain you experience before the baby pops out probably scared me, but no more. Once upon a time, the dreams I had were written down on papers, crumpled then thrown in bins. Then I learnt of the beauty of ink on skin, and began to write my dreams on my skin. But rarely did I carry the full nine months of my ideological pregnancy. Now, when I conceive a vision for my life, I nature it in its womb, I feed it right with the right networks, I excrete all the wastes that may poison it, hell, I even quit social life for my baby. I do this because I realized the fulfilling emotion that comes with running through an idea, realizing it is possible and actually actualizing it.
I now treat my life episodes like a love session. I take tentative care and detail on what gives me pleasure and work on that till I achieve it. Am not shy to share an idea that I believe can transorm lives. No, I speak my mind and hope in the processes, one day, I will heal the world with love. What we create out of our lives, once we reach that stage where we can walk on our own two feet, is determined by our abilities to break the hymen, cross into the land of the unknown without fear, exploit our strengths. In this era of toxic feminism and non-retreating chauvinists and misogynists, everyone will always have a problem with what you do. Good or bad, everyone will always have a reason to talk.
I no longer fear the voices; I am the best version of myself. I quit my innocence; I taught myself a few lessons to stop being naïve. I put my hand into the cookie jar, and all I can say is, success and victory come with this bliss that I would never want to end. So, no, I do not miss my ignorant days. I do not miss the days when I relied on here say from people who had done it and made it in life. I don’t view the wisps of glory as they slip from my arms. I broke free, and the ecstasy that comes with making it in life is a feeling I will never give up.
Transformation in life, is just like a tangled affair. At first you are scared to break the hymen, or you get clumsy. But once you get the hang of it, you do not want to stop. Your desire is to be greater, you can no longer be kept quite because you now have a voice. So use that voice and scream your way to your success. Don’t hold back.
I know I sound crazy, but there is no cigarette between my lips, no thoughts in my head, no bottle popped at my feet, just the realization of how much I accomplished when I let go of my ideological innocence.