Dishonest prayers…


I am inclined to believe I have a secret fetish I share with the rain. Or so it seems for whenever it rains, my valves open and ideas spew. When I think about it though, rain is dangerous, it is like a piece of evidence that incriminates you for a crime you committed. It serves as a reminder that no matter how new a person you are, once upon a time, something happened. Do you ever feel like; rain clings on to you the same way a dog follows a scent- the same way your sins follow you. Yes, the bible says we are forgiven and atoned, but oh well, every one knows you kissed Jack with the running nose. It clings on you. Just like the rain today, the flood gates opened in the middle of the streets after my stroll with local man and The droplets of water slowly formed a web on my skin that reminded me of a novel I once read- Carradice chains: This droplets, though tiny, are a curse, a curse you cannot break; no matter how hard you wipe it off, the wet patch will always prove you did the nasty. To break this curse, you must let it dry on its own. Today, I felt like my sins were on bare. Naked. I had crossed a mile last night. One I hoped to amend.

But anyway if feel like a ranting spree today…

In my head, I am caged in my four pillared cell. Nothing obscures my view, no barriers prevent my escape, but I simply can’t escape the shackles that hold me in my spot. Outside, the sun shines bright, but within my  cage, the frost bites my bones. Wiffs of black smoke begin to drift into the room. An ominous soundtrack plays from a mile away. The time is near, when the truth must come to light. As the smoke rises, so does my resolve to tell my tale arise. Today I lay myself naked for my jury to cast their biased verdict. This canvas of perfection is slowly wearing out and the scars are beginning to show. The brushes are worn out from applying layers of colour to hide the ugly rage that seeks to sip out from within. And the truth is, I forgot to be a better person for a moment and made a prayer last night.

Growing up, they told me we only pray to give thanks, to confess and to bless. Never to curse. But well, when I made my prayers last night, I told God to spank a couple of people who often stepped on my toes and got away with it. My vivid descriptions of the people I felt have hurt me was so surreal I failed to recognize the darkness that was lying still within me. In my thoughts, I wished that anyone who put me down over my loss of weight or my chubby chins and flabby tummy should for a day wake up in my weight and tell me how much it hurts to be insulted over something as beautiful as stretchmarks or fleshy arms. After all, African men love them. I prayed for my fake friends who tarnished my name when my pretend boyfriend passed me like a joint. I prayed for them to be ditched in dark spaces with no one to fight their battles with them, that way maybe they would understand the value of kindness. I prayed for my relatives who branded me promiscuous, or should I say they called me a tart. I wished them well, I want them present at my wedding, they said I wouldn’t make it. He lied when promised me a dance in the rain someday and I hoped that whoever he met next broke his heart as he did mine. My imagination knew no bounds last night.

I didn’t mean it though…

Walking in the puddles makes me feel as triumphant as my wicked wishes. Stepping on their imaginary faces for once makes me feel victorious. I don’t know if this only happens to me or if we all go through it. There are times the universe keeps on pushing you until you can’t hold back any longer and you explode. You listen to rumors people tell about you, you listen to your friends burn you to look good, and worst of all you have family judging you for being different. Of course at some point you are bound to snap, and I don’t think anyone should blame you for it. Petty. I know. Once in a while though, we are pushed to extremes we never knew we were capable of . Being human makes it logical to react in the span of anger, in a moment of desperation, in a fit of rage. We make wishes we do not want granted, we make prayers we do not mean. No one wants to be bitter, so to ease the burn, we take the quickest option available, speak of it and surge forward.I wish for the hate to stop. Life is too short for us to keep on picking on each other or put each other down for our imperfections. The world is too lonely to push the few people that care away. Family is too important to point fingers without minding our own imperfections

The rain is still socking me as I walk towards my bus stop, but the prints of my sins are still visible on my jeans. Tiny patches reminding me of a little more confessions I need to make. The sheds are flooded with sinners like me seeking redemption. We have all made that error once or twice, but is it really worthy to have someone make a dishonest prayer? I live the jury to decide.

14 replies
  1. Mugisha Cohens
    Mugisha Cohens says:

    Like always we tend to hide and sweet talk the bitter and sour realities of life, this piece truly and vividly the bitter realities of life. To me, this piece is tremendously powerful! I must confess. The style and flow are up to point. How much should the giver of wits Benedict Rioba? Anyway, as a great friend, I can only Honestly beseech God to do according to his will.

  2. Ali Wepy
    Ali Wepy says:

    Most often we find ourselves trapped in the blame game where we are both prosecutor and defendant. The first step I believe to freedom is the ability to for a truth forgive ourselves of our errors continually as we take conscious decisions to make lesser (no) errors along life’s walk.

    Great piece

  3. Shagiri Sharon
    Shagiri Sharon says:

    Wow wow wow.I love the vivid description.feels so real….the rain.I can almost feel the atmosphere with dark clouds and the bitter prayers we make sometimes.Good piece,Rioba!

  4. Carson Abila
    Carson Abila says:

    Beautiful piece. Coming clean and being really honest and vulnerable at the same time shows you have made a step towards acknowledging you had something against these people and is more than willing to deal with it. You also write as if creating a poetic piece, If that’s the intention, Big Up. Beautiful👏👏🥂

  5. Hildah nekesa
    Hildah nekesa says:

    You touched me on the very delicate part of my heart that i think i was hiding beneath this smile and alright thing… Before i finished it tears were rolling on my cheeks and all i felt was yeah.. I know how it feels.. Someone needed to put it.. Thanks

  6. Omogo Aila
    Omogo Aila says:

    This was so insightful:
    “Family is too important to point fingers without minding our own imperfections.”
    God accepts our dishonest-prayers 77×7 times.

  7. Sananka Junior
    Sananka Junior says:

    All wins against self

    It’s an impeccable piece ! Written with a sincere heart that ponder between living freely to satisfy self or to adjust accordingly to accommodate everyone else within the armpit circle. While the mind veraciously invites the “ranting spree” the slow beating heart request for a moderate tone so as to bring all on board & carry on with them. After all it’s a all-sinners world thus no one deserve to be left behind.

  8. Ratemo
    Ratemo says:

    I didn’t know your connection to rain..your Sister has it too..but to us,you are our Warrior,beautifully for the freedom of our Souls. Weaving words to heal the hurts. How you mix your pure vivid description with droplets of facts..just like rain.Loving the piece .

  9. Hilda Imali
    Hilda Imali says:

    So everyone has been saying it’s fire, it’s blah blah blah,

    But I have a different description, it’s a rage under world. It made me want to go deep seas when the sea is raging and waves so wild. ..I want to see what goes on under. I have a glimpse from your post. It was worth the wait. I’d love to smell the ink of your nerves, remember I love raw things, the scent of words is sweeter on paper than on an electronic gadget , so as one said, get a publisher. ❤

  10. Josiah Adiema Adiema
    Josiah Adiema Adiema says:

    Well, as for Jack, he actually wanted the kiss…so badly that he actually thought you are feigning the cold… Ha ha ha.

    Parodox too… I thought the rain will wash away and refresh anew. As for those family members, I support, let them be strangled in their sleep by some rain bringing spirit. 😂😂🤣
    Great piece here. Quite intriguing.

  11. Hakiim Wampamba
    Hakiim Wampamba says:

    We all sip from that goblet of guilt and ride on the wheels of premature judgements. Not because we love it so much but we have been judged at one point in time.The article is anchored on telling us the bitter realities that we all hold at heart despite their heavy weight and keep them for our selves.Our calandestines define most of us and they tend to delude us from respecting the fundamental values like,love, mutual respect, concern for others among others which must be firmly woven within our societal fabric. Family and friends ought to be a point of positive energy to propell us to greatness.Albeit..let me wait for my wet pants to dry on their own.

  12. Sarah Ogembo
    Sarah Ogembo says:

    Life has no rehearsals. The past is part of who we are, the questions we ask are existential. They form part of our journey. In your journey, what can you right. What do you have to live with?? All in the quest to ensure that you are not a slave of your past..Interesting read.


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