Interviews are A Scam

QUARANTINE DIARY

I have a phobia for interviews.

Multiple job applications in the hopes of landing one. Somehow all of them always come up empty, no phone call, no rejection email, nothing. Someone tell me how we are meant to do these applications because I can’t seem to get it right.

The frustration.

An interview routine is pretty simple for a recent graduate like me. I hate online interviews, so given an option I always ask to meet face to face. I keep it professional on such days. Wake up early, shower and dress up nice. This is one of the rare times I visit my heels collection and pick a pair that I will put on at the elevator and remove as soon as I board my cab.

Courtesy- Louboutin

During the interview, I mingle with a few interviewees that want to talk and we give fake compliments or wishes on who is most likely to get the job. Seriously, deep down we all wish it is given to us, but it’s a room full of five perfect candidates, anyone could get it. Or so you think… On the announcement day, it’s the craziest of them all. The selected person was not even in the interview room. Haibo!!! The bigot was  merely setting up some charade  where  the son of the daughter of whoever the hell it is will get employed at the end of the day.

Btw, that is not cool. Do you know how much cologne and lotion goes to waste at this point.

In other news…

Aphenphosmphobia. A word I cannot even pronounce

Interviews, for me, are pretty much like relationships. Relationships, (well some do not even get to that point of being called a relationship), have a way of making you think like you got it all right, but in reality, you got played. While it looks like you got it right, reality is those applications went down the drain. Revelations will later show you- you were just a meal ticket for a day, or a photo whose face didn’t make it to the papers.

Look at it this way;

First interview always sets the record straight. It is a dream comes true moment. I guess it was probably in some cool cafe with low key boring music, you think you got it right. He has to be the one. His scrawny self makes you feel like you are on top of the world. If you are lucky, you land the job. Play around with the files for a while, get familiar with the script and somehow out of the blues, you are handed your first letter of termination.

Second time is a charm right? You scale things up a little bit. The first interview, gets you shortlisted, the second interview gets you picked for a role. You got too gassed up you didn’t realize everyone at the interview had a leakage and knew more than you did. You were just the temporary assist, while the permanent employee was on maternity leave or something like that. Where do these people disappear to for three months btw?

Like the first round, you are out the door.

By the time you get your third interview, you probably have things figured out. Don’t get your hopes up. But something is different this time, class attracts class. Or so you think. This time you bump into a potential and get an invite for the supposed interview. His promises are amazing, a trip to Diani or Vipingo perhaps over the holiday. Exotic names meant to blow your mind away. You are not entirely excited because you can do that for yourself, but you are touched by the fact that at least, well… at least. The funny thing is these interviews do not materialize. No sit down. No face to face, a lot of promises though. It is tiresome because it gets your hopes up and crushes them.

With the disappointments you get tired of the games and decide that maybe you are one of those beautiful but unlucky cases. So when the fourth interview comes, you are no longer the naïve girl who got excited when a man turned to get a second whiff of your perfume. While you think he is asking for your number, he may be asking about the brand so he could go surprise his girlfriend.

Things take a turn when you get invited for a religious interview. Brother speaks in tongues and can see through your past sins. But the short cuts the job requires you to make assures you both of you may not see heaven.

So long, farewell.

We have drafted proposals, defended our positions, included left out job descriptions that we think we can bring to the table and still nothing. No job.

In short, quarantine day 018 made me realize, there is no difference between philophobia and phobia for interviews. I am scared of interviews as much as relationships. So to all the interviews that failed to turn out right, you must have contributed to my aphenphosmphobia. Anyway, I am preparing for my currently on going interview, Pray for me fellas. He definitely is the one.

35 replies
  1. Brian kibet
    Brian kibet says:

    Wow, this is a masterpiece. As for relationships, I haven’t changed my dressing since I got in so I can’t comment but I can relate the interview thing, we’ll have gone through the rejection at some point

    Reply
  2. Kelsey Ellams
    Kelsey Ellams says:

    Love the relation between interviews and relationships…..It makes the interview process visible in the minds of we who’ve only faces the interview hustle and bustle in relationships only as at now.Good Work Rioba

    Reply
  3. Nyabuto Nyachio Esq
    Nyabuto Nyachio Esq says:

    Life’s unpredictable nature is what makes it interesting. I dread interviews as well. But, I still love to attend if called upon. In them, I get to learn one thing or another that builds me up for the next one. Interesting how you correlate both interviews and relationships. Truth be told, they’re all the same. We can only join you in prayers as you gear towards him. BEST OF LUCK. You will definitely need it.

    Reply
  4. Sounds of the pen
    Sounds of the pen says:

    Such a beautiful piece…
    While the face to face interview may be the preferred one coz who wouldn’t like to dress up and pitch themselves as that whole package in a well thought out, skillfully drafted lean canvas? I mean it’s kinda sharp. Also please don’t call us for those interviews if you have already filled the position…it really is a torture. Same to relationships, just be clear from the word go….

    Reply
  5. wamutego
    wamutego says:

    I have done interviews before. I must say it’s sightly to see dressed up ladies show up, smelling good, with revised content until they start getting comfortable and their true character, that they left at home before the interview, shows up and you realize you are not ready to have that type of workmate for the rest of your life.
    It is immoral however to conduct an interview with veiled intentions and inflated promises. I have enjoyed this read…Viva Quarantine😂 and all the best!

    Reply
  6. Dalene Ekirapa
    Dalene Ekirapa says:

    I hope for all your best with the oncoming interview Miriam. Please try not to entertain the past failures in your thought process especially as you go for this next one. Try have an open mind that if yes, okay…and if not, well, you’ve got to at least keep on trying and going sis!

    Anyway, I loved the read.

    Reply
  7. Chumba
    Chumba says:

    Truly both relationships and interviews are scary it sometimes feels safest to stay emotionally detached from either but unfortunately that’s how we miss out on the thrill these moments offer. So yeah, we know these interviews are often child’s play but heck let’s never stop showing up and even in the showing up let’s be present in the moment and when the job meant for us comes, it will find us having taken in all that these interviews had to offer.

    Reply
  8. Njeri Kariuki
    Njeri Kariuki says:

    Awesomeness at its best… I think the unpredictability of life is what makes life life… Ooooh tell me about the cerelac babies who get jobs at the comfort of their sofas… #wananchi vs wenyenchi#

    Reply
  9. Monique
    Monique says:

    Haha, pretty interesting and such is life, nothing is ever really different and we gotta get used to same ol stuff, but you’ll do well, good luck

    Reply
  10. Eunice Akinyi
    Eunice Akinyi says:

    You’ve expressed it all!.
    The fear that comes with failing , and falling over and over,we perhaps getting paranoid of starting again, of venturing again.Interviews got you looking side to side, seeking if you can maybe find a popping opportunity, so that you can maybe ran away, and miss to enter that board Room, coz you’ve talked of colognes? I have smelled them, all of the cocktails, you’ve talked about getting those “potential ” candidates.
    Let’s write another episode 🙌😂

    Reply
  11. Kanda the Great
    Kanda the Great says:

    Your comparison of interviews with relationships took me by surprise, and I couldn’t help relating it with a quote I heard someone say in a recent movie,”A relationship is like a time bomb”.
    An interview, synonimously, is always that “Burn Zone” period that most often than not, often breaks and maybe “build you”.
    💫

    Reply
  12. Nancy Mutola
    Nancy Mutola says:

    The relationship part is well jiggled.At this rate we all can try some trial and error hoping it lands us somewhere.Did I mention Azz-Iad Nasenya,

    Reply
  13. Sydney
    Sydney says:

    Philophobia you are officially the one!! The mixing of language and figurative expression to pass this message of squashed hope now and again my goodness

    Reply
  14. Opere
    Opere says:

    Well written with toppings of humor. You had me at “maybe he could be asking for the brand to surprise his girlfriend” 🤣🤣🤣 truth be told, HOW SHOULD THIS APPLICATIONS BE DONE!

    Miriam, the midnight muse.

    Reply
  15. Ratemo
    Ratemo says:

    From a very tender age I knew interviews were never my thing..I hate the formality in them.A lot of pretenses and masks.
    As of how you mirror them against relationships…Beautiful.

    Reply
  16. Shaddie
    Shaddie says:

    Awesome! Interview is a scam. Now the first and second interviews gives us lots of hope. By the way my third interview I dressed in jeans coz I knew very well that I was not going to be picked. Haha haha.. nice piece here. Waiting for more

    Reply
  17. Sellyn
    Sellyn says:

    Nice piece dear..
    Generally i hate paper work..
    Interviews are not my thing either
    What I believe is what is meant to be yours will always Be yours no matter the challenges

    Reply
  18. SJ Maroa
    SJ Maroa says:

    They say looking for a job is in itself a job. I agree. The exercise is as derailing as it is tormenting. The emails “we regret to inform…” can make make you give up on your dreams. One thing I learnt: do not give up on yourself because of a bunch of interviewers fail to believe you.

    Reply

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