At times I think I know what the world is feeling and somehow I try to mirror the idea and share the pain, but just this once, I am too confused to know how bad it is for everyone… It feels like we are on a set clock. A time-bomb waiting to explode. Maybe a fulfillment of the end days- who knows? It makes me feel detached. But I hold on. Hoping it is all for a reason.
A time-bomb- that little devil that makes every movie thrilling, especially when the villain is just about to meet his end. Get you off your feet wondering about the magnitude of the explosion? It’s a freaking experience when it doesn’t feel like the little fudger is in your hands and is about to mince your insides. The beauty of a time-bomb is you see that little clock counting the last seconds. You watch the few moments of your life flash before your eyes. Visualize the loved ones that occupy your soul one more time before the blast ends your journey. But see that’s the movies; they have a way of contrasting reality and fantasy. This time-bomb is the real deal because somehow, it only begins ticking when it is too late… And I guess that is what is driving me nuts. The slightest ache makes me paranoid. The slightest sneeze might just get you stoned tomorrow. COVID-19 has my mind going a little bit crazy.
I want to scratch at my skin, hoping that somehow the pain I inflict will bring me back to sanity. Maybe stop the spinning that promises to destroy my being. Hiding in the house, barricading our windows and saying hi to as few people as possible is just about to be our new normal. It’s a Russian roulette really. And fate is playing the worst mind games with the revolver on us. We have no clue whether we will come out alive or will be part of the global community that will check on that positive mark. We are driven nuts by the idea that maybe someone we love may not escape it. Hell, some are already crying for the losses of their loved ones and it is so hard not to share the pain.
The worst part is, this is the one time I want so bad to turn to God and have a one on one conversation. Maybe ask him if my afflictions are too great for redemption. I cannot count them. Mama says He is merciful, but is there atonement for our sins combined. I don’t know.. Karma is coming real strong against the human race. The clouds are getting too thick, and darkness is creeping in fast. I have no idea how long we can hold our heads high and crack a few jokes, pretend everything is okay and we are not holding it in instead of shitting our pants. The times are too dark and it is scary there is no one to turn to.
I am craving a little bit of colour. A bit of warm sunshine and a little less of paranoia. A few months ago, I really had an idea about what my life would be like tomorrow. Maybe I would be taking out bridal magazines to outline a few ideas for my not so near wedding. Or maybe, I would be on my way to a promotion for a better job. In an idea world, I would be preparing a few choruses for choir for the next week. I am craving a little bit of sanity where I can tell those I love that I am not scared of a little heartbreak here and there because I would rather hold them through this storm than face the cold nights alone. I crave sanity, because the idea that this is my last pizza snack for a while makes me go a little bit mental.
I miss the dancing in the paddles with the rain; I miss the ability to jump on the next bus and head home. I miss the random coffee dates with friends turned strangers. I hate how the time in my life when I have everything under control is when everything is stumbling out of control. I hate the random moments we took for granted because we thought tomorrow was assured. I hate that while am complaining of a half-empty pantry, someone somewhere has no idea where their bread for tomorrow will come from because they did not earn a penny today. And worst of all, I can’t help but hate the rambles in my mind that make me think for a little while, I might be going psycho.
For once I have no idea if I make sense. But maybe I don’t really want to make sense, I just want you to know that I know and know that I feel it too. I feel the strain, I feel the energy drain, and I just want you to know that I know maybe you feel it too. You feel me? So near, yet so far away.
I want to wake up from this nightmare, with how quick the world can turn upside down, I wanna wake the ones I love with a kiss on their forehead. Tell them good morning and wave them goodbye as they head to work. Because it’s now really clear nothing is guaranteed on earth. I don’t know about you, but I feel cold every time I wonder what tomorrow holds. Are we going to make it or is it the time to tell the ones we love that we love them?